Each day death gets closer and each day I get older
I try to hold my composure in this world that is atrocious
But I am solely trying to focus despite the violent noises
Of my thoughts from past sin. At the end you won’t believe I wrote this.
Man I’m hammered… I am losing my mind in this battle
Between right and wrong. This is just way too much to handle.
I’m trying to be a believer. I’m trying to just keep fighting.
But when I stand for what’s right, I get knocked to the sideline.
Maybe I should just drop this. Maybe I should just stop this.
Maybe I should just give up run away and anti-opt this.
I was just trying to find the love I had after I lost it.
But I guess it was never really mine considering how much it costed.
I can’t believe this is my topic… in which I’m having ink spilled.
I had emotions at one point but over time they were slowly killed.
And after they were buried, over their graves I stood.
Then I walked away like the grim reaper as I threw on my hood.
I felt like an insect hiding in between cushions on the couch.
Hiding in the darkness until my hiding place was found out.
My emotions came out. I was no longer a beast
The devil in me had finally suffered defeat.
I was a free being. As she held my hand
I wanted her to be my wife, but she belonged to another man.
So I’m ficticious… a male mistress who went back to being vicious
Because it ended and once again love had failed its mission….
So now I sit in private lying to myself crying
Denying I ever loved as I feel myself on the inside dying
There’s no help in masturbation because once the other person ends it
You’re just left with devastation and a heart that’s sore.
Then nothing is the same. You just cannot be happy.
You see other happy couples and their children but to you it’s actually saddening.
Then your feelings flame and then you become dangerous.
I’m sorry. I can’t take this. I really had to say this.
You talk to yourself and ask did they just want you for fucking
Then you say fuck it. I hope they found someone good to fuck.
You throw your stony heart in the ocean and watch it sink.
And on the horizon you see the person’s face give you a kiss and a wink.
Now you recall in your mind those good times
When you two shared glasses of wine
And you stared into her eyes feeling fine.
It was truly a mind blower so much that she even noticed
You out of a few and the love was true and you know it.
So why is it I am the one that is feeling worthless and hurting
Left perturbed slowly deterring to suicide carrying this burden
Please excuse me if this is not the proper wording.
What I am saying is I cannot allow this pain to go any further.
I’m not saying I won’t miss you. But keeping me is not an option
When you’re the apple of someone else’s eye though they are your problem
You lost me. Yes, I am sorry but let me be the be the problem solver
And allow you to cease being a constant in my conscious….